Talk about an illegal-procedure penalty.
Twitter suspended the football accounts at Iowa and Iowa State, citing “music copyright infringement” in some of the tweets they sent last year.
• At TheOnion.com: “Adam Gase to play all 22 positions after pushing out entire Jets team.”
• At Fark.com: “Magic Johnson: This dumpster needs more fire.”
Bringing up the rear
Western Christian High School soccer player Caleb Dokter soared into the air on a corner kick and knocked in a goal with his butt in the Iowa High School Class 1A playoffs.
If he got both cheeks on the ball, would that make it a doubleheader?
Going for the cold
A study says women perform better in offices that are kept warmer.
With the obvious exception of curlers and hockey players.
Star guard Sue Bird (knee) is out 6-8 weeks, joining reigning MVP Breanna Stewart (Achilles) and coach of the year Dan Hughes (cancer surgery) on the Seattle Storm’s sideline.
This just in: The WNBA team’s Lucky Rabbit Foot Giveaway Night is hereby canceled.
If you can’t beat ’em …
The Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference is “involuntarily” removing Division III powerhouse St. Thomas’ football program because of its “competitive” advantages. Translation: It wins too much.
“You can do that?” asked 31 NBA teams in unison.
President Trump was so smitten with Tiger Woods that he:
a) awarded Woods the Presidential Medal of Freedom after his Masters win
b) pardoned Woods for missing the cut at the PGA Championship
New Jets coach Adam Gase was so unhappy with his team’s draft preparations, the New York Daily News reported, that he rearranged the team’s “war room” furniture so he wouldn’t be caught on camera while the picks were being made.
(Readers: Insert your own “deck chairs on the Titanic” analogy here.)
Losing His Jock Dept.
Bodexpress tossed jockey John Velazquez coming out of the starting gate and ran the entire distance of the Preakness Stakes without a driver.
In related news, they’ve just renamed the horse Tesla.
Avert your eyes
A new professional league for elite swimmers — the International Swimming League — will launch in October with meets in seven cities across the U.S. and Europe.
With no player jerseys to sell, what will they offer fans in their team shops — Speedos?
According to the findings of personal-finance website WalletHub.com, Seattle ranks 18th for finding summer employment.
If you’ve been watching the Mariners churning their roster these past two months, well … no kidding!
Game of Thrones
Alex Rodriguez’s lawyers are threatening legal action after a prying photographer — apparently from an adjacent high rise — snapped a shot of him in his New York luxury suite sitting on the toilet.
A-Rod, never one to miss a marketing ploy, has already secured the hashtag #SultanOfSquat.
Talking the talk
• Reporter Dennis O’Donnell of the Bay Area’s KPIX-TV, after the Trail Blazers fan he was interviewing live predicted the Blazers — trailing in the series 3-0 — would beat the Warriors in seven games: “As you can see, cannabis is plentiful here in Portland.”
• Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver, B.C.’s CKST Radio, after seeing a photo of a giant alligator walking across a Florida golf course: “Jurassic Par.”
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, with a suggestion for Orioles pitchers who’ve already given up 10 home runs this season to the Yankees’ Gleyber Torres: “Start pitching to him overhand.”
Frozen Ropes Dept.
Reds slugger star Yaisel Puig says he licks his bat for good luck, imagining that it tastes like vanilla ice cream.
Coming soon to a dairy case near you: Ben & Jerry’s Pine-Tar Toffee.
Ex-Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis has applied for a license to grow medicinal marijuana from the state of Maryland.
Looks like he wasn’t finished handing out big hits, after all.
Can the Mariners write off the 46 unearned runs they’ve allowed — twice as many as any other team — as charitable contributions on their corporate taxes?
That’s old, baby
Dick Vitale says he wants to keep broadcasting college basketball on TV until he’s 100.
When he’ll be The Diaper Dandy.
• Center DeMarcus Cousins, to Heavy.com, on the Warriors collective basketball IQ: “We got guys with the same characteristics that — it’s like Play-Doh. You can mold them into whatever you want them to be.”
• Phil Mushnick of the New York Post, after TV cameras captured golfer Jon Rahm urinating on a tree during the PGA Championship: “Must be what they mean by ‘livestreaming’.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the St. Louis Blues playing in the Stanley Cup Final for the first time in 49 years: “Well, unless officials somehow rule later that they skated out of their lanes.”
Hurts so good
They lose DeMarcus Cousins to injury in the first round, and beat the Clippers in six games.
They lose Kevin Durant in the second round, and beat the Rockets in six.
They lose Andre Iguodala in the Western finals, and sweep the Trail Blazers in four.
“Just a flesh wound,” say the Warriors, the NBA version of Monty Python’s Black Knight.
Ty, Ty again
Indiana guard Tyreke Evans, cited for violating the NBA’s anti-drug program, has drawn a two-year ban from the NBA.
Or, as Pacers PR tried to spin it, back-to-back and-ones.
Quote, end quote
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on the difference between football and horse racing: “Unlike the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl a couple years ago, Maximum Security still thinks he won.”
• Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, on the German police APB for a man who stole a $2 million Ferrari during a test drive: “That’s what the Jazz did when they got Donovan Mitchell from the Nuggets, isn’t it?”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Packer QB Aaron Rodgers’ cameo role in “Game of Thrones”: “Unfortunately, Rodgers did not get along with the associate producer, so they fired the poor guy and kept Rodgers.”