A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.
What, one licking wasn’t embarrassing enough?
Steven Shrout — as punishment for finishing last in his Dallas-area fantasy football league — had to walk into a dog park, dressed only in a Speedo and covered with peanut butter, and let the canines lick him clean for 10 minutes.
Shrout, 25, a fantasy novice in a veteran league who blew the draft’s No. 1 pick on seasonlong holdout Le’Veon Bell, told WFAA-TV he’d like to give fantasy football a second try.
“But probably not with the same guys.”
• At SportsPickle.com: “Somehow this Bryce Harper deal will end with the Mets paying him $1 million every month through the Year 2095.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Pat Patriot denies being Mascot #5 in prostitution sting police report.”
The puck stops … where?
Porn star Mia Khalifa underwent corrective surgery that she said resulted from an errant puck rupturing one of her breast implants at an undisclosed Stanley Cup playoff game last year.
Junior-high puckheads immediately declared it the No. 1 upper-body injury ever.
The Pulaski (Wis.) School District filed a complaint against Mike McCarthy with the state high-school association, saying the ex-Packers coach followed the referees out of the gym after his stepson’s one-point basketball win and:
a) berated them with coarse language
b) threw his red challenge flag at them
Stat of the Week
The website UPsupply.co crunched the numbers and determined it would take a single Zamboni 693 years to resurface all of Lake Superior.
The Kansas Legislature is mulling a bill to make the polka the state’s official dance.
Jayhawks fans, undeterred, are still pushing to make it The Big Dance.
Patrons at the Meteor Buffet in Huntsville, Ala., were shocked when two diners got into a fight over all-you-can-eat crab legs in the food line because:
a) They then squared off with dueling tongs, Three Musketeers style
b) Neither one was Jameis Winston
Pass the secret recipe
Outfielder Brandon Nimmo got sick from undercooked chicken, so the Mets say they’ll get him some cooking lessons.
Odd — that was never a problem with the Terry Francona Red Sox.
Eat your heart out, Steph Curry!
Anthony Miracola broke a Guinness world basketball record — by five — when he sank 31 straight three-pointers in one minute at a gym in Toledo, Ohio.
Indiana University of Pennsylvania, the second-ranked Division II men’s basketball team, had to wear host Edinboro’s old road uniforms because an IUP manager forgot to bring the Crimson Hawks’ unis along on the 100-mile trip.
Hey, it was either that or shirts and skins.
QB Alex Hornibrook — 26-6 as Wisconsin’s starter the past three seasons — shocked the Badgers when he entered the NCAA transfer portal and announced he will play elsewhere this fall.
We’d suggest N.C. State, as the player to be named later in the 2011 Russell Wilson deal.
Talking the talk
• Sean Larson, via Twitter, on Seattle’s big offseason roster churn: “Rumors are that the Mariners are adding a ‘Hello my name is…’ patch to the front of their 2019 jerseys.”-
• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on his three favorite sports rivalries: “Oklahoma vs. Texas, Yankees vs. Red Sox, and the People vs. the New England Patriots.”
A 22-year-old Manchester United supporter who threw an empty Pringles tube at his team’s own fans in the stands was fined but escaped a lifetime stadium ban.
Considering it’s soccer, shouldn’t he have kicked the can?
Tweet of the Week
“Bill Belichick: Spygate
“Tom Brady: Deflategate
“Robert Kraft: Hold My Beer”
Looks good on paper
In trading-card news, a 1997 Precious Metal Gems Michael Jordan Green Card sold for a whopping $350,100 on eBay.
Or roughly $10,000 more than four sporting icons — basketball’s Bill Russell ($100,001), hockey’s Gordie Howe ($100,000), baseball’s Babe Ruth ($80,000) and football’s Jim Brown ($60,000) — earned combined, albeit in very different dollars, in their highest-paid seasons.
Fish & Game Dept.
A college-baseball game at Jacksonville’s John Sessions Stadium was delayed in the eighth inning when an osprey passing overhead — harassed by a bald eagle — dropped the fish it was carrying into shallow right field.
Umpires immediately ruled that the osprey lost it on the transfer.
Hey, bettor, bettor
Nevada rejected a request from Major League Baseball to ban gambling on spring-training games.
Hardcore gamblers, looking ahead to 2020, are already demanding to know: How many days till pitchers and bettors report?
Quote, end quote
• Rich de Give, via Twitter, on former Trump campaign director Paul Manfort’s sentencing memo taking up 800 pages: “Wait until you get to the end, when you find out not only did he remove a mattress tag, he used the descriptions and accounts of a game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.”
• Tim Hunter of KRKO Radio, after Oprah Winfrey lost $58 million in one day when Weight Watchers stock plummeted: “However, she doesn’t plan to keep it off.”
• British Columbia blogger TC Chong, after the province endured its coldest February in recorded history: “While the Canucks are away, I wonder if they’ll let me use their Zamboni to get to work.”
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on skiing great Lindsey Vonn’s most impressive career numbers: “(3) 137 podium finishes; (2) 82 World Cup wins; (1) 27 broken bones.”
10 RBI, anyone?
Sophomore first baseman Danielle Gibson made NCAA softball history by hitting for the “home-run cycle” — solo, two-run, three-run and grand slam — in her first four at-bats of Arkansas’ 15-3 win over SIU-Edwardsville on Feb. 23.
You win the quadfecta if you had her homers in 2-3-4-1 order.
Digging in his Heels
Dean Smith’s North Carolina basketball team made it at least as far as the NCAA regional semifinals for a record 13 straight appearances, from 1981-93.
In other words, Sweet 16 and never been missed.
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, on the Army National Guard hiring 5,000 instructors to help soldiers meet new fitness standards: “Operation Dessert Storm.”
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, via Twitter, after checking Wednesday’s headlines: “If your favorite pro football players are Johnny Manziel and Randy Gregory, this has not been a good day.”
• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Bryce Harper’s record 13-year, $330 million contract with the Phillies: “The deal includes a lucrative $5,000 bonus for each booed at-bat.”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the length of Bryce Harper’s 13-year contract: “There are kids not even born yet in Philly who will be booing him someday.”