Talk about getting canned.
A restroom at a chess tournament in Strasbourg, France, proved to be Igors Rausis’ undoing when tournament officials discovered his cellphone there and immediately DQ’d him. Rausis, a 1992 grandmaster, was “caught red-handed using his phone during a game,” the International Chess Federation announced.
Rausis fessed up, telling Chess.com: “I simply lost my mind yesterday.”
• At TheOnion.com: “Russell Westbrook quietly asks Rockets team doctor if he needs to make free throw to pass physical.”
• At Fark.com: “Doc Gooden caught partying like it’s 1986.”
Among the twosomes playing in the LPGA Tour’s Dow Great Lakes Invitational team event: Pajaree Anannarukarn and Pannarat Thanapolboonyaras.
The Society of One-Column Headline Writers immediately filed a grievance.
Sticking the landing
Alex Rodriguez, Ryan Leaf and Lance Armstrong — three disgraced pariahs not that long ago — are suddenly high-profile TV commentators.
Pundits said they’d never seen anyone land on their feet like that since Mary Lou Retton.
Novak Djokovic celebrated his Wimbledon title by eating some grass from Centre Court.
Lucky thing he wasn’t playing on clay that week.
Swamping the pool
Hungary swamped host South Korea 64-0 in the women’s water polo world championships, breaking the mark for biggest victory margin by 27 goals.
Even the U.S. women’s soccer team urged the Hungarians to tone it down a bit.
You make the call
If NBA cheap-shot artist Grayson Allen decides to become a two-sport athlete, his second sport would be:
a) pro rasslin’
b) roller derby
c) demolition derby
Rookie of the Year
Gianna Clemente should have no problem writing her “what I did this summer” essay when she returns to school in Warren, Ohio, this fall.
Clemente — who on July 3 qualified for the U.S. Women’s Amateur — is an 11-year-old sixth-grader, the third-youngest player in the golf tournament’s 119-year history.
A message in a bottle — dropped overboard by a teen boy in 1969 — finally washed up on shore in South Australia.
In other words, aimlessly adrift at sea only two years less than the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Talking the talk
• Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after Roger Federer lost the Wimbledon final to Novak Djokovic despite losing fewer games and being broken only once: “It’s the sports world’s equivalent of the Electoral College.”
• Seahawks punter Michael Dickson, via Twitter, after “Madden NFL 20” creators gave him just an 83 rating: “Madden must’ve forgot I’m averaging 9 yards a carry. Crazy.”
Travis d’Arnaud hit three home runs — including a three-run shot in the ninth — and drove in all five runs to give the Royals a 5-4 win over the Yankees.
No reporters were foolhardy enough to ask Tommy Lasorda his opinion of d’Arnaud’s performance.
Tweet of the Week
From @HunterMitchel14: “Signed up for my company’s 401k but I’m nervous cuz I’ve never ran that far before.”
NFL broadcaster Tony Romo won the American Century Championship for the second straight year in Stateline, Nev.
Though gallery watchers said his constant predictions of what his next shot would be got a bit annoying.
Penalty on the play
D-lineman Malik McDowell, just suspended for two NFL games because of off-field incidents, hasn’t played a minute of pro football since the Seahawks drafted him in 2017 due to injuries in an ATV accident.
“He hasn’t?” said commissioner Roger Goodell, channeling his inner Dean Wormer. “Oh … Then as of this moment, he’s also on double-secret probation!”
Quote, end quote
• Comedy writer Brad Dickson, from Big Ten Media Days, after Indiana football coach Tom Allen said he “likes to recruit the entire family”: “Which explains why Grandma Thompson started at tight end last year.”
• Ex-outfielder/manager Lou Piniella, to The Seattle Times, joking after he missed landing in the Baseball Hall of Fame this year by one vote: “I’m from of the state of Florida; we have chad votes. Let’s have a recount.”
• Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, on a restaurant in Thailand encouraging patrons to climb into a coffin so they can experience “death awareness”: “Or they can just attend a Knicks game.”
• Comedian Argus Hamilton, via Facebook, on studies indicating that the average human walks 900 miles a year and drinks 22 gallons of beer: “Which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!”
• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after the Memphis Grizzlies won the NBA Summer League championship: “So will they raise a banner?”
• U.S. women’s soccer star Alex Morgan, after winning the ESPYs’ Best Female Athlete Award: “Sorry, but this is probably the second-best trophy we won this week.”